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Plea to my Family

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Why are you so far?
While I guard my bleeding heart?
I try to heal and live again.
But you don’t want to call me kin?

So I am an orphan.
Father dead and mother lost.
How I could use a hand.
You’re unwilling to pay the cost.

I want your love and affection.
your attention
your relation
your devotion

Why do you leave me in need?
though you disagree
can’t you see?
why do you flee?

Don’t you care how I’m doing?
am I thriving?
or am I dying?
you aren’t asking

Was I not your loyal son?
the first born one
always so much fun
there for anyone

You’ve chosen to shun and ignore.
Letting me suffer alone and dejected.
Even turning me out of your door.
How can I feel anything but rejected?

Yet you say that you will always love me.
That you merely think my decisions are wrong.
But turning your back on one in pain isn’t family.
And leaves me searching for a new place to belong.

Get Over It

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You say I must just get over it
that it’s not fair to hold on
say my pains drag me into a pit
wounds are why healing hasn’t begun.

How can I get over it?
When the wounds are so deep
When they penetrate beyond flesh
to my soul they reach.

How can I get over it?
When I am still bleeding
deep red blood still flowing
my once clean clothes staining.

How can I get over it?
When I’m in so much pain
It throbs and pounds my brain
I struggle to remain sane.

How can I get over it?
When I’m reminded every day
in the things that you say
deepening the hurts in the way

How can I get over it?
When I still have tears
and amassed significant fears
built up for many years.

How can I get over it?
When you’ve hurt me so badly
I’m not sure I can heal so quickly
Perhaps I never will, sadly.

You say I must just get over it.
That clinging to pain and anger is sin.
Yet it seems me doing so is to your benefit.
Remembering the pain keeps it from happening again.

Flash Back Friday: When Chaos Catches

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When a thick dark dank fog
Encircles the valley like a bog
And chokes the radiant sun
Ears straining to hear the gun.

As fears grip the lungs and squeeze
Chaos overcomes the mind with ease
Crippling legs like a black cancer
You’re at a loss for the healing answer.

Your enemies stand right beside you
With hopeful eyes. Each time is a new
Battle that must be bravely won,
Alas one thing is left to be done.

Look not for an ally to help the fight
For it is you who holds all the might
You cannot put forth your best
Until your mind is at rest.

So breathe easy and steady my friend
For soon, very soon, it will end
When the legs suddenly take ill
Your heart can win with shear will.

Flashback Friday: Going Down

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A soft sweet rain falls on my face,
I never want to leave this tranquil place,
A breeze blows coolly through my shirt,
My damp pants are covered with dark dirt,
The sky is lifeless with gray clouds,
My bones cleaned eagerly by cows.

Sunk deeply in the thick clinging mud,
My salty tears form a small puddle
On my cheek, roots entangle my body
Turning my skin to a fine light sod;
Not yet! I climb from my hole,
You will never get to take my soul.
Too hell you will be sent to burn,
And sit there you will for eternity,
Giant rocks weigh you down,
A fate fitting for a social clown,
Still I walk among the living.
I will never go down without fighting.

I miss you

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When I watch the Dodgers,
I miss you.
When I want to talk soccer,
I miss you.
The World Cup is coming up,
I miss you.
I love to wear the jerseys you gave me,
I miss you.
I pick up my phone to text you,
I miss you.
I drive by your house sometimes,
I miss you.
When I play with the kids,
I miss you.
When the bill collectors call for you,
I miss you.
When I play playstation,
I miss you.
When people talk about zombies,
I miss you.
You were only fifty-four,
I miss you.
You were always so strong,
I miss you.
When I drive by the golf course,
I miss you.
When I watch the Big Lebowski,
I miss you.
When I need someone to talk to,
I miss you.
The Kings are in the playoffs,
I miss you.
Life has been tough lately,
I miss you.
You were so important to me,
I miss you.
Things have fallen apart,
I miss you.
It is difficult to rebuild without you,
I miss you.
It’s only been four months,
I miss you.
It’s been a long four months,
I miss you.

Flashback Friday: Fine Young Bloke

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Sprouts push hard against the stubborn earth
Everyday, we witness the miracle of birth
While a wise, kind, and caring being is dying,
A tiny young bird falls, and begins flying

A boy heaves a stone and learns to kill,
In the vast world some people are not free still,
Someone raises up in anger and shouts,
In the intelligence of men there still lay doubts;

A heart is toyed with and broke,
By a careless but rather fine young bloke,
It is a miracle for anyone to stand,
Alas all I want is to hold someone’s hand.

Cold or Curse

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As I lay in bed tonight…

I try to lay my head down to sleep
But all I can do is hear my heart beat

Seems as though it beats too fast and hard
Thundering in my chest I shiver in the dark

I shiver and clutch the comforter
Sweat forms on my body commanded by fever

Tears collect in my eyes and run down my cheek
Rolling and turning, held prisoner by the sheet

I yawn so wide and long my jaw nearly snaps
I writhe and squirm my bones and joints crack

Eyes roll in my head and see unclear
A fleeting moment I wonder if death is near

Cold pills don’t seem to clear the painful fog
Nothing seems to help my desperate cause

It makes me wonder whether
The thing that makes me suffer
is a cold
or curse